SHUTUP… Cher Lloyd

27 Sep

It is with a bad taste in my mouth that I share with you this terrible terrible video… so very sorry, but it needs to be collectively spat on. And it seems the internet agrees judging by its overwhelming ‘dislike’ factor on YouTube.

Swagger Jagger‘ epitomises everything that is wrong with the commercial music industry. It is blatantly ripping off  every pop culture trend out, for the sake of a quick buck… where the fuck do I even begin? Ummm… ok how bout the term ‘SWAG’!? Do you even know what it means bitch? I sure as hell didn’t back in 2009 when this brilliant sunglasses-at-night-style hiphop dancer guy from a certain Circus tour told me I had ‘mad swag’, and after ascertaining that he didn’t mean something you sleep in in the Aussie bush, I adopted this killer term and used it sparingly, where necessary, because I am white…  And I’m from the burbs in Adelaide… and believe it or not I don’t actually talk like a gangster in real life, all the time. I save dat shit for zee interwebz…. YO.

Ok, so I was willing to look past the woeful attempt by Bombs Away to cash in on the ‘swagger’ factor…

…and even Elen Levon and Israel’s sad Top 40 Black Eyed Peas/Far East Movement/Swedish House Mafia bullshit

…but Cher Lloyd takes the cake (then throws it up, obvi). Don’t even get me started on the wannabe Major Lazer production.

Futher-freaking-more… what is with this sudden craze for using poor old Mick Jagger in pop lyrics? Just because ‘Jagger’ rhymes with ‘swagger’ does not give you free licence to use the name in vain.  Leave the poor guy alone. You don’t know who he is anyway, and I’m sure if he did give a shit he’d want nothing to do with you… unless you’re paying him mad royalties or dealing him coke.  At least Maroon 5 wrote a catchy song, with a cool whistling section and a post-baby Xtina, however cringe worthy it may have been.

and the melody isn’t even original either… ‘Oh My Darling Clementine” anyone? Srsly, someone shut this bitch up.

But I guess it’s not really her fault, she’s a teenager from X Factor after all, and signed to a label that’s famous for it’s tacky pop artists. It looks like they’re trying to make her Kreayshawn, Lily Allen, Fergie and The Pussycat dolls all in one.  Eww.

So… darling Cher (even your name has been done). Remove the bandanna, get those bitchin’ gold hoops outta your ears, take your fake tan and hair extensions and go back to Essex!

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